User talk:The-bard-of-horror
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the My Friend is Crying, I Cannot Move page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 15:31, February 8, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:33, February 8, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story The story was deleted for issues beyond being one large paragraph. Starting with the format, please do not indent paragraphs as it causes formatting issues. (While correct in other literature, doing this on the wiki can make a story unreadable. Reading it as you originally intended is incorrect as well. A typical paragraph is five to ten sentences. You can have a shortened paragraph every now-and-then but a majority of your paragraphs are 1-2 sentences long. Capitalization issues: Improperly capitalized words. “Please forgive me, my friend.(,)” He (he) begs", "I agreed to… … To (to) what?", "to… To (to) protect him." Remember that an ellipse typically means a pause in dialogue and a continuation of the same sentence shouldn't be capitalized as it's not the start of a new sentence. Punctuation issues: You really have a tendency to overuse ellipses. "but… I cannot move…", "But.. I cannot move, I cannot talk, all that I can do is… stare at him.", "…His father…" Fifteen + times in a story that is about a page long is excessive and tends to weaken the overall effectiveness of using an ellipse to indicate a pause. You also have a tendency to use periods in dialogue when you should be using a comma. "my friend.(,)” He (he) begs" as the sentence is a continuation, you shouldn't use periods unless the dialogue ends the sentence. (He said, "My friend.") Story issues: The story needs quite a bit of re-working as a lot of it feels vague. A little bit of mystery to a story can draw the reader in but leave too much out/not explain enough and it tends to break interest. The lack of description/focus really weakens the story. I'm sorry, but there are quite a lot of issues here other than the fact that it was posted as a large paragraph that need to be revised here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:59, February 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:08, April 1, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story I'm sorry, but if you're intending to take it to another site, I would strongly suggest revising/re-writting a large portion of it. Besides the punctuation ("The music is growing louder, and I almost recognize the tune now. It sounds comforting, relaxing even(period missing)") and wording issues ("As I grew older, the experiences grew less frequent, but much, much stronger; on more than one occasion I have caught myself saying “Déjà vu” over the very act of saying “Déjà vu.” Such a thing had not happened in awhile, until very recently.", "I had been looking forward all day to watching some supposedly authentic footage of one of the few creature who actually managed to scared(sic) me;", etc), there is a pretty large amount of story issues. It feels fairly rushed and really glosses over any attempt to build horror. The protagonist experiences deja vu while watching an online video and then the story ends. It feels like you left out a couple key scenes that would really work to give the story a driving plot. It also needs quite a bit of explaining. "About halfway through the video, I knew that it was fake. Everyone was around my age, and not once did anyone utter a single curse word." Maybe if we knew the protagonist's age or why they thought cursing played a role in a video's authenticity that would make a bit more sense. There's also a real lack of description. If you're playing the angle that the video has/will happen, there should be a lot more focus given to describing the events of the video and monster. I would really suggest re-working this and fleshing this out if you intend on taking it to another site. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:37, April 1, 2016 (UTC) :As the standards for poetry are more stringent than typical quality standards, I would advise you take your time with it and look over this guide. I would also recommend taking it to the writer's workshop for review before posting it as we've recently thinned out our collection of poems and have taken a stricter stance on poetry. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:13, April 1, 2016 (UTC)